Midnight Rants 

Dear God

I know i am called to be brave for you have conquered the world and 

i have not received the Spirit of timidity but of Boldness and sound mind 

I know I am called and chosen and set apart and truly, this knowledge, is a privilege 

but Lord,

knowledge is not understanding and understanding is not belief and belief is not renewal, because from renewal i should become 

 turns out I need all 5 , at once. I don't know what to tell you

but Lord,

even with eyes weary ,hopes bruised and a heart panting , let me tell you where i am at

i am at a cross road of confusion , anxiety and distraction 

lost, guilty and sad 

ungrateful , hopeless and beaten,

lord I am weak 

I really hope you hear my voice ,

No not because i think you are deaf but because i have in desperation creeped into different selves .

I speak a different voice and sing to a different pitch.

so I hope despite these loss of confidence as you may call it ,i kept my pattern.

and i know the question on your mind  lord , i still got some wit .let me tell you the how.

I knew I was not confident because I never told my self I am.

I knew i was not confident when i let my body be a topic of discussion.

I knew I was not  confident when the words ''you embarrass me with your size "stirred some thing angry in me

I knew I was not confident when t "you are attractive to me", "beautiful and made in my image" meant little to me.

I knew I was not confident when " you are beautiful" made me call an honest father a liar.

I knew I was not confident when i asked my friend Cyntia, if my cheeks were too wide to be kissed

or my hips too wide to be praised.

I knew i was not confident as I looked at the bride with great admiration and hope and murmured the words " so fat girls could be brides?'

I knew i was fat when i let people unpleasantly tell me i am.

I knew I was not confident when i found validation peoples compliments on how I looked.

but i met your word that says i am ore than my looks and Boy oh boy I felt solace ,

but not until...

I felt not confident as my heart leapt in anxiety at the news of the  blessing of my sister 

I felt not confident as I lied to please a brother,

I felt not confident when I doubted the idea of confidence,

I felt not confident with every rush of anxiety before a new task, 

I felt not confident in not feeling confident enough to celebrate a victory with a brethren,

I felt not confident in not finding words to express my guilt for lost opportunities,

I felt not confident as I blamed my self for every mishap,

I felt not confident as times changed, 

I felt not confident in being lost, in being rejected and unsure,

i felt not confident wavering in my faith.

and now Lord ,

I feel confident in your existence and in your mercy.

In the fact that you love me 

in knowing that i am not a summation of feelings but of truth,

In knowing that i am never alone

please bring me back to you