Midnight Rants 

Dear God

I know i am called to be brave for you have conquered the world and 

i have not received the Spirit of timidity but of Boldness and sound mind 

I know I am called and chosen and set apart and truly, this knowledge, is a privilege 

but Lord,

knowledge is not understanding and understanding is not belief and belief is not renewal, because from renewal i should become 

 turns out I need all 5 , at once. I don't know what to tell you

but Lord,

even with eyes weary ,hopes bruised and a heart panting , let me tell you where i am at

i am at a cross road of confusion , anxiety and distraction 

lost, guilty and sad 

ungrateful , hopeless and beaten,

lord I am weak 

I really hope you hear my voice ,

No not because i think you are deaf but because i have in desperation creeped into different selves .

I speak a different voice and sing to a different pitch.

so I hope despite these loss of confidence as you may call it ,i kept my pattern.

and i know the question on your mind  lord , i still got some wit .let me tell you the how.

I knew I was not confident because I never told my self I am.

I knew i was not confident when i let my body be a topic of discussion.

I knew I was not  confident when the words ''you embarrass me with your size "stirred some thing angry in me

I knew I was not confident when t "you are attractive to me", "beautiful and made in my image" meant little to me.

I knew I was not confident when " you are beautiful" made me call an honest father a liar.

I knew I was not confident when i asked my friend Cyntia, if my cheeks were too wide to be kissed

or my hips too wide to be praised.

I knew i was not confident as I looked at the bride with great admiration and hope and murmured the words " so fat girls could be brides?'

I knew i was fat when i let people unpleasantly tell me i am.

I knew I was not confident when i found validation peoples compliments on how I looked.

but i met your word that says i am ore than my looks and Boy oh boy I felt solace ,

but not until...

I felt not confident as my heart leapt in anxiety at the news of the  blessing of my sister 

I felt not confident as I lied to please a brother,

I felt not confident when I doubted the idea of confidence,

I felt not confident with every rush of anxiety before a new task, 

I felt not confident in not feeling confident enough to celebrate a victory with a brethren,

I felt not confident in not finding words to express my guilt for lost opportunities,

I felt not confident as I blamed my self for every mishap,

I felt not confident as times changed, 

I felt not confident in being lost, in being rejected and unsure,

i felt not confident wavering in my faith.

and now Lord ,

I feel confident in your existence and in your mercy.

In the fact that you love me 

in knowing that i am not a summation of feelings but of truth,

In knowing that i am never alone

please bring me back to you

 

Who is Melissa Juisi?

 

Melissa is a Development Economist with an interest in Program/Policy Design, Implementation, Evaluation and Big data Analysis. She is a Fulbright grantee and an Alumni of the Centre for Development Economics USA where she graduated with an M.A in Policy Economics (Honors). She was admitted into this program in the best Liberal Arts college in the USA as the first female Cameroonian in 60 years of the program's existence and the youngest candidate, 2020.

Melissa is enthusiastic about development and she holds the opinion that development is function of people having improved life styles and the freedom to be their best selves and so she uses societal tools like education to ensure all have an opportunity to participate in building the economy and to understand their choices. Her work also highlights education and early childhood development as she co-proprietors OLLOGS, an inclusive educational institution in Cameroon.

In her 4 years of professional experience, she has led national/international development programs including the CSP Program which has, received FORBES and UNDP recognitions. She served as Chair to grant and finance committees in West/Central Africa and participated in several youth led research publications. She also advocates for Human rights and contributes to Drug policies in Africa. 

Melissa believes in Jesus Christ as her Lord and savior. She is a Catholic baptized Christian but holds the opinion of the universality of the Body of Christ and thus refers to herself more appropriately as a Christian and ambassador for Christ's Kingdom. Melissa is the last of 4 Children to her amazing parents and a proud aunt of three beautiful nieces. In her spare time, she travels, blogs and Dances. 

Be refreshed on life's journey with Melissa.