Miracle or Medicine? it is all GRACE

 

 

I have been a Christian for as long as I can remember how to say my A, B, Cs but the triviality with which I handle the daily graces God bestows me with really blows my mind.

Born and raised in the not so "developed" part of the world means a lot of things happen differently or should i say, we have special patterns. Some things which should be otherwise taken seriously are taken for granted and there are no strong institutions to account for that. For example, the value placed on life the spontaneous policies, the emotions of the people taken for granted, the condescending responses to the people's cries and routine of people stripped of choice to will, freedom and being. 

Where I come from, life just goes by, routines are built and broken again and for the most part, God, luck and witch craft are believed to be the unseen hands that drive the achievements and mishaps in the communities. We mostly celebrate the big accomplishments; like marriage, a child making it to university, building a house, or even promotions. Births and deaths however, are one of those things that have been "normalized" to be natural human tendencies, and so it is unclear if the celebrations at the occurrence  of either of these are excuses for merry making or a true acknowledgement of the magnificence of God .

Ideologies on the factors that affect life and death are heavily debatable like health, wealth, peace and expression.With regard to health, there is a whole science to illnesses here. The blend of technology, science and tradition makes for all sorts of tales to be told, all sorts of explanations to even the smallest colds. As a child, I would convulse all the time to the extent that I was a very well known kid-patient in the local government hospital which was a  45 minute drive away from my home. I would frequent the hospital every week end. 

You may think i enjoyed the many snacks, good food and extra attention which all these got me.Well, honestly, i did, sometimes; other times, i was just bored and uncomfortable.It got so monotonous that i became unsure of how i felt exactly about hospitals, but this was clear to me; I hated medications.I hated it so bad that I often opted for injections instead,that one minute pain was better than the 30 minute emotional trauma of a single pill. My mum on the other hand enjoyed seeing me taking my tablets, she had a stronger inclination to the efficiency of tablets and it was just some sort of reassurance to her so that I wont pass out in her arms again with clenched teeth fighting for my life.

Like many other kids did at that age,I would throw the drugs under the bed or behind the cupboard and then will still eventually get well. Till date, i am not sure of the consequences of my actions, i am not sure either if it is the drips that did the magic, i believe in guardian angels, in Jesus,in healing and in not being lazy(doing what i can). But in healing. how much of a part do we need to play to remain alive? from where i stand, my part was found lying behind my bed 10 years ago and i got some whooping for that, may be another part was my hope to be alive, may be the few medications i took really worked or may be i was just meant to be here at this time ,writing this.

I have never really given thought to the fine line between religion and science or whether a line even exists and what the role of each has to play in keeping me alive and happy till i needed to. Many things changed this year. I bagged my Masters in10 months, survived a pandemic in a heated region and Yes, got diagnosed with serious anxiety.Since June 2020, I have been thinking really deeply about every thing, life, wealth  health, help, healing.

I would conveniently say Cameroon is baked in mediocrity.I suffered anxiety for 4 years unnoticed and only got diagnosed in the USA on my first visit to the Hospital.Some would argue it to be underdevelopment, i insist on mediocrity. Receiving these results was hard, very hard.It was a mix of disbelief, ignorance, shock , shame and confusion. For starters, I had to accepts mental health as a thing, not just for white skinned people, but as a condition that can affect every one , i need money for therapy, for drugs, for life.

Side note,I still hate drugs,i cant/could not  imagine depending on them for as long as i need to be sane and at what age? My independent self always tried to be in control each time Panic attacks creep-ed, a need for interdependence grew, it was tough. Desperate for a way out i began asking those tough questions.

"Does God heal?"."Is his power real and able?" "Can he get me through this?" "What happens if i can't afford therapy and medicines?""How long is this going to last ""Who will be with me"

The panic attacks got more frequent and each time i would whisper to my self ,timidly, 

"I got this"

I lied! Over and over again. 

I lied to myself, that i could bully my mind out of grief  and pain and the emotions that i felt.I totally lied.

It was this same lie i would tell my self that got me here in the first place

The "Church girls don't crack lie",the "mental health is a scam lie" 

you know...the "I got my life in control lie"...

It is never really easy to remember how to feel or act during an anxiety attack,

It is just a lot of numbness to reality and re-living of pain and fear, fear of the unknown

Its been a few months since I knew I had been suffering with anxiety, 

I did not take it well, my faith was tried but my perception of science and medicine was equally tested as much.

I would use the cliche line "it gets easier with the days...". In my case its not the days that make my better,it is who owns, leads and chairs those days.My life changed management a few months ago.

I am still without a paid therapist, i have read extensively on anxiety and i have seen people do amazingly well after treatment. I slowly opened up my mind to the idea of mental health.It is amazing how much can change in few weeks.I have had tremendous help.

Help from above. 

I see my self moving away from who i used to be and growing into my healing. I got this all free.

 

I am learning my triggers ,

I am learning to dig deeper ,to be more intentional and to own my mind,

I am learning to choose people who love me enough to fight with me,

I am choosing to love people who are not strong enough to fight with me,

Therapy is expensive.

I still hate drugs.

I was still wondering about the power of God.

I talked to God ,I even told him Therapy is expensive 

Its funny how my approach to crisis' are change these days. It is mind blowing to see the Holy Spirit teaching me how to be whole again.

God heard my prayers, like he healed the deaf,the blind and the dead, he still works wonders. I think he remembers my history with tablets and he knows my needs in this season.I hoped to do therapy so i would tell a different story,but i get to tell this one. one of MIRACLES, one of PROCESSES  and one of HOPE, JOY and PEACE which in my opinion is the perfect one.

I know now without doubt that all healing is from Jesus, in addition to that, he also chooses how you receive your healing and not the other way round.In my case, in this season, he is healing his way and teaching too the song  of daily reliance on God, one where i see him break and mold me all at once and relieve me of it all.

The other day i asked my self so what works? Miracles or Medicine.I would tell you both, he is healing , and he is healing the other thousand of people in therapy.Different modes of delivery but they are still all miracles. God is the source of everything Good. In this season i honor medical personnel, they have an understanding of healing and life that most of us don't have.But i know that they too have experiences of miracles, those moments of loss to how the healing came despite the wrong administration or just having no idea what is going on..

Which one works? 

BOTH.

 for medicine in its self a miracle ,I just want to invite us all to say these

God loves me beyond my comprehension as the father has loved him(John15:9)

God has forgiven me as I have confessed my sins(1 John 1:9)

I care about what God says, not man. No man can say a thing and it comes to pass unless God allowed it first (Lamentation 3:37)

I am not alone ,God will not leave me nor forsake me, he has written my name in the palms of his hands. (Deut  31:6)

I am sufficient in Christ's sufficiency/I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.(Phil 4:13) 

God's talents to us are to manifest his Glory. Medicine is one of those amazing talents whose administration gives us a snippet of what God's art of creation was designed. The frequency of healing and the failures there fore should never be normalized or used to demean the power of God. Mine is God helping me for his purpose and plan, yours could be God healing you through the hands of a doctor, whether miracle or medicine, always remember, it is all GRACE.

Midnight Rants 

Dear God

I know i am called to be brave for you have conquered the world and 

i have not received the Spirit of timidity but of Boldness and sound mind 

I know I am called and chosen and set apart and truly, this knowledge, is a privilege 

but Lord,

knowledge is not understanding and understanding is not belief and belief is not renewal, because from renewal i should become 

 turns out I need all 5 , at once. I don't know what to tell you

but Lord,

even with eyes weary ,hopes bruised and a heart panting , let me tell you where i am at

i am at a cross road of confusion , anxiety and distraction 

lost, guilty and sad 

ungrateful , hopeless and beaten,

lord I am weak 

I really hope you hear my voice ,

No not because i think you are deaf but because i have in desperation creeped into different selves .

I speak a different voice and sing to a different pitch.

so I hope despite these loss of confidence as you may call it ,i kept my pattern.

and i know the question on your mind  lord , i still got some wit .let me tell you the how.

I knew I was not confident because I never told my self I am.

I knew i was not confident when i let my body be a topic of discussion.

I knew I was not  confident when the words ''you embarrass me with your size "stirred some thing angry in me

I knew I was not confident when t "you are attractive to me", "beautiful and made in my image" meant little to me.

I knew I was not confident when " you are beautiful" made me call an honest father a liar.

I knew I was not confident when i asked my friend Cyntia, if my cheeks were too wide to be kissed

or my hips too wide to be praised.

I knew i was not confident as I looked at the bride with great admiration and hope and murmured the words " so fat girls could be brides?'

I knew i was fat when i let people unpleasantly tell me i am.

I knew I was not confident when i found validation peoples compliments on how I looked.

but i met your word that says i am ore than my looks and Boy oh boy I felt solace ,

but not until...

I felt not confident as my heart leapt in anxiety at the news of the  blessing of my sister 

I felt not confident as I lied to please a brother,

I felt not confident when I doubted the idea of confidence,

I felt not confident with every rush of anxiety before a new task, 

I felt not confident in not feeling confident enough to celebrate a victory with a brethren,

I felt not confident in not finding words to express my guilt for lost opportunities,

I felt not confident as I blamed my self for every mishap,

I felt not confident as times changed, 

I felt not confident in being lost, in being rejected and unsure,

i felt not confident wavering in my faith.

and now Lord ,

I feel confident in your existence and in your mercy.

In the fact that you love me 

in knowing that i am not a summation of feelings but of truth,

In knowing that i am never alone

please bring me back to you

 

Who is Melissa Juisi?

 

Melissa is a Development Economist with an interest in Program/Policy Design, Implementation, Evaluation and Big data Analysis. She is a Fulbright grantee and an Alumni of the Centre for Development Economics USA where she graduated with an M.A in Policy Economics (Honors). She was admitted into this program in the best Liberal Arts college in the USA as the first female Cameroonian in 60 years of the program's existence and the youngest candidate, 2020.

Melissa is enthusiastic about development and she holds the opinion that development is function of people having improved life styles and the freedom to be their best selves and so she uses societal tools like education to ensure all have an opportunity to participate in building the economy and to understand their choices. Her work also highlights education and early childhood development as she co-proprietors OLLOGS, an inclusive educational institution in Cameroon.

In her 4 years of professional experience, she has led national/international development programs including the CSP Program which has, received FORBES and UNDP recognitions. She served as Chair to grant and finance committees in West/Central Africa and participated in several youth led research publications. She also advocates for Human rights and contributes to Drug policies in Africa. 

Melissa believes in Jesus Christ as her Lord and savior. She is a Catholic baptized Christian but holds the opinion of the universality of the Body of Christ and thus refers to herself more appropriately as a Christian and ambassador for Christ's Kingdom. Melissa is the last of 4 Children to her amazing parents and a proud aunt of three beautiful nieces. In her spare time, she travels, blogs and Dances. 

Be refreshed on life's journey with Melissa.